My friends Radha and Sandy make two really important points about Guilt and Selfishness, Helping and Unselfishness with family.
Attitudes toward family are built on cultural expectations, national norms and particular family development. All cultures place expectations on us regarding family. Some family members expect us to feel guilty and think us selfish being apart because we are not "there to help in time of need". Some captialise on this fact, wearing their "faithfulness" as a self-righteous breast plate, saying: "Look, I'm here, taking care of family. Where are you?"
Filial piety has its place but so do other norms and values.
Expectations are placed on us. We may gladly accept them. But that's a choice. We may go through life never thinking about these expectations. Expectations may be selfishly placed on us by family members who think certain responsibilities are defined by gender. For example, it's women's work to care for sickly family members or the elderly. Or the senior family member SHOULD be responsible for the family.
We don't always have the luxury of living in the world created by those shoulds and should nots. And do we really want those? Are phone calls, finances and love sent across the miles not supportive? Is being physically present the only indicator of unselfish love? Isn't our responsibility ultimately to love and to find ways to express love even if they differ from expected norms? Shouldn't love be about quality not quantity?
For those who live distanced from one another, "non-blood" becomes family. We create a family not connected by genetics. This is possible. And it is necessary. We are social animals--we need connection. We need to feel love, to give of ourselves, to share life's burdens. This is where offering help to others, being unselfish comes in.
Sometimes we don't have the luxury of choice. It's wonderful to think we are free moral agents, acting as we will in the Universe. But the truth is history, turn of events, wilful selfishness, war, destruction, destitution or something beyond our control, affects the decision where we live and with whom we live. Just ask the Refugee. An Economic Migrant. Someone being Trafficked. A Modern-day Slave.
No choice, pal!
Maybe our lives are not as dire as those listed above. We may, none-the-less, find ourselves captive to decisions made beyond our control. We say, "I'll stay here for 10 years until my contract ends", only to find the economic circumstances mean we can not move on.
We do have a choice. The choice is to love and care for our genetic family and the family we create AS WE CAN. We do not need to feel guilty if we know we are doing all we can in the circumstances we find ourselves. We can act unselfishly by loving and caring for those around us. Non-blood relationships can be a strong connection if welded together by love.
Being "family" does not mean automatically loving one another either. There's hate, jealousy, envy aplenty with "blood" relatives. Ask a probate lawyer how deeply family love runs!
We can create family. And sometimes life's path demands it. The point is to love, the best we can, where we are, with a family we "create" or with those connected by genetics and blood.
What we can't do is live without love. It's just not possible. Ask a shrink. Check the latest sales on anti-depressants. What the world needs now is love sweet love!
In Peace. LankaBlue2
Dr Beth
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