My friends Radha and Sandy make two really important points about Guilt and Selfishness, Helping and Unselfishness with family.
Attitudes toward family are built on cultural expectations, national norms and particular family development. All cultures place expectations on us regarding family. Some family members expect us to feel guilty and think us selfish being apart because we are not "there to help in time of need". Some captialise on this fact, wearing their "faithfulness" as a self-righteous breast plate, saying: "Look, I'm here, taking care of family. Where are you?"
Filial piety has its place but so do other norms and values.
Expectations are placed on us. We may gladly accept them. But that's a choice. We may go through life never thinking about these expectations. Expectations may be selfishly placed on us by family members who think certain responsibilities are defined by gender. For example, it's women's work to care for sickly family members or the elderly. Or the senior family member SHOULD be responsible for the family.
We don't always have the luxury of living in the world created by those shoulds and should nots. And do we really want those? Are phone calls, finances and love sent across the miles not supportive? Is being physically present the only indicator of unselfish love? Isn't our responsibility ultimately to love and to find ways to express love even if they differ from expected norms? Shouldn't love be about quality not quantity?
For those who live distanced from one another, "non-blood" becomes family. We create a family not connected by genetics. This is possible. And it is necessary. We are social animals--we need connection. We need to feel love, to give of ourselves, to share life's burdens. This is where offering help to others, being unselfish comes in.
Sometimes we don't have the luxury of choice. It's wonderful to think we are free moral agents, acting as we will in the Universe. But the truth is history, turn of events, wilful selfishness, war, destruction, destitution or something beyond our control, affects the decision where we live and with whom we live. Just ask the Refugee. An Economic Migrant. Someone being Trafficked. A Modern-day Slave.
No choice, pal!
Maybe our lives are not as dire as those listed above. We may, none-the-less, find ourselves captive to decisions made beyond our control. We say, "I'll stay here for 10 years until my contract ends", only to find the economic circumstances mean we can not move on.
We do have a choice. The choice is to love and care for our genetic family and the family we create AS WE CAN. We do not need to feel guilty if we know we are doing all we can in the circumstances we find ourselves. We can act unselfishly by loving and caring for those around us. Non-blood relationships can be a strong connection if welded together by love.
Being "family" does not mean automatically loving one another either. There's hate, jealousy, envy aplenty with "blood" relatives. Ask a probate lawyer how deeply family love runs!
We can create family. And sometimes life's path demands it. The point is to love, the best we can, where we are, with a family we "create" or with those connected by genetics and blood.
What we can't do is live without love. It's just not possible. Ask a shrink. Check the latest sales on anti-depressants. What the world needs now is love sweet love!
In Peace. LankaBlue2
Dr Beth
Monday, October 19, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Connecting with My World Wide Family
I am an immigrant, a sojourner, a citizen. I love all those aspects of my life. This weekend I've had a chance to connect with a cousin who journeyed with me from our native shores--a fellow Dutch Burgher of Sri Lanka. We've not seen each other much in the last 20 years. That's someones life time. It's half of mine.
I miss family terribly. But I've learnt a wonderful lesson from my parents. They taught me one does not have to be geographically close to be emotionally connected. Thousands of miles may separate us from those we love, but the bond between us can be as strong--maybe stronger--than if we lived 'next door'. The quality of a relationship has little to do with physical or geographical proximity if open and honest communication prevails.
Modern technology helps, of course. Skype (which I really have to start using!), email, facebook are all modern ways allowing us to connect as never before. I remember the weeks which separated one airmail letter from another; how we often longed for a word from a sister, aunt, uncle, grandmother between those pale blue, feather light communiques. I collected the stamps from Sri Lanka, Australia, England, South Africa, the USA.
As a child, those stamps caught my imagination. I dreamt one day I would live and travel to those places; hopefully connecting with my family again. But if not, realising I would better understand my English, Sri Lankan, Australian, South African and American cousins. And I would understand myself as world citizen just a bit better.
I have lived a wonderful life with a wonderful family connected across the globe. I wish them very long lives connected by love.
In Peace. LankaBlue2
I miss family terribly. But I've learnt a wonderful lesson from my parents. They taught me one does not have to be geographically close to be emotionally connected. Thousands of miles may separate us from those we love, but the bond between us can be as strong--maybe stronger--than if we lived 'next door'. The quality of a relationship has little to do with physical or geographical proximity if open and honest communication prevails.
Modern technology helps, of course. Skype (which I really have to start using!), email, facebook are all modern ways allowing us to connect as never before. I remember the weeks which separated one airmail letter from another; how we often longed for a word from a sister, aunt, uncle, grandmother between those pale blue, feather light communiques. I collected the stamps from Sri Lanka, Australia, England, South Africa, the USA.
As a child, those stamps caught my imagination. I dreamt one day I would live and travel to those places; hopefully connecting with my family again. But if not, realising I would better understand my English, Sri Lankan, Australian, South African and American cousins. And I would understand myself as world citizen just a bit better.
I have lived a wonderful life with a wonderful family connected across the globe. I wish them very long lives connected by love.
In Peace. LankaBlue2
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
13 October 2009, 17.31 or 5.31 pm
I am finishing my Group Therapy class. What a revelation it has been! This may have been the best class I've taken in my training to date. I've learnt a lot from all my classes, but "group" according to Yalom, simulates family and is a microcosm of our world.
We had some really interesting experiences. Got to know more about my self and my colleagues. We made headway, lot's of headway. We got to try out theoretical ideas in the 'group lab' and we walked away richer for the experience. The class ends this Thursday and I am rather sad, although there's talk that we will continue, as a non academic group, to meet on our own.
I can't tell you how wonderful my colleagues are! Yes, that's an honest statement. They are eight fantastic women: talented, bright, amazingly compassionate, scrapping to know more to help others. In a world so focused on "me" and making the next big bucks, it's refreshing to really know women who are focused on helping others meet life's challenges. I am privileged to know them, to study with them, to share my joys and pain with them.
It's been a really good semester. I know I will look on this time we've worked together with a grateful heart!
High 5 Leiden Counseling Cohort 1
In Peace. LankaBlue2
We had some really interesting experiences. Got to know more about my self and my colleagues. We made headway, lot's of headway. We got to try out theoretical ideas in the 'group lab' and we walked away richer for the experience. The class ends this Thursday and I am rather sad, although there's talk that we will continue, as a non academic group, to meet on our own.
I can't tell you how wonderful my colleagues are! Yes, that's an honest statement. They are eight fantastic women: talented, bright, amazingly compassionate, scrapping to know more to help others. In a world so focused on "me" and making the next big bucks, it's refreshing to really know women who are focused on helping others meet life's challenges. I am privileged to know them, to study with them, to share my joys and pain with them.
It's been a really good semester. I know I will look on this time we've worked together with a grateful heart!
High 5 Leiden Counseling Cohort 1
In Peace. LankaBlue2
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