My friends Radha and Sandy make two really important points about Guilt and Selfishness, Helping and Unselfishness with family.
Attitudes toward family are built on cultural expectations, national norms and particular family development. All cultures place expectations on us regarding family. Some family members expect us to feel guilty and think us selfish being apart because we are not "there to help in time of need". Some captialise on this fact, wearing their "faithfulness" as a self-righteous breast plate, saying: "Look, I'm here, taking care of family. Where are you?"
Filial piety has its place but so do other norms and values.
Expectations are placed on us. We may gladly accept them. But that's a choice. We may go through life never thinking about these expectations. Expectations may be selfishly placed on us by family members who think certain responsibilities are defined by gender. For example, it's women's work to care for sickly family members or the elderly. Or the senior family member SHOULD be responsible for the family.
We don't always have the luxury of living in the world created by those shoulds and should nots. And do we really want those? Are phone calls, finances and love sent across the miles not supportive? Is being physically present the only indicator of unselfish love? Isn't our responsibility ultimately to love and to find ways to express love even if they differ from expected norms? Shouldn't love be about quality not quantity?
For those who live distanced from one another, "non-blood" becomes family. We create a family not connected by genetics. This is possible. And it is necessary. We are social animals--we need connection. We need to feel love, to give of ourselves, to share life's burdens. This is where offering help to others, being unselfish comes in.
Sometimes we don't have the luxury of choice. It's wonderful to think we are free moral agents, acting as we will in the Universe. But the truth is history, turn of events, wilful selfishness, war, destruction, destitution or something beyond our control, affects the decision where we live and with whom we live. Just ask the Refugee. An Economic Migrant. Someone being Trafficked. A Modern-day Slave.
No choice, pal!
Maybe our lives are not as dire as those listed above. We may, none-the-less, find ourselves captive to decisions made beyond our control. We say, "I'll stay here for 10 years until my contract ends", only to find the economic circumstances mean we can not move on.
We do have a choice. The choice is to love and care for our genetic family and the family we create AS WE CAN. We do not need to feel guilty if we know we are doing all we can in the circumstances we find ourselves. We can act unselfishly by loving and caring for those around us. Non-blood relationships can be a strong connection if welded together by love.
Being "family" does not mean automatically loving one another either. There's hate, jealousy, envy aplenty with "blood" relatives. Ask a probate lawyer how deeply family love runs!
We can create family. And sometimes life's path demands it. The point is to love, the best we can, where we are, with a family we "create" or with those connected by genetics and blood.
What we can't do is live without love. It's just not possible. Ask a shrink. Check the latest sales on anti-depressants. What the world needs now is love sweet love!
In Peace. LankaBlue2
Dr Beth
Monday, October 19, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Connecting with My World Wide Family
I am an immigrant, a sojourner, a citizen. I love all those aspects of my life. This weekend I've had a chance to connect with a cousin who journeyed with me from our native shores--a fellow Dutch Burgher of Sri Lanka. We've not seen each other much in the last 20 years. That's someones life time. It's half of mine.
I miss family terribly. But I've learnt a wonderful lesson from my parents. They taught me one does not have to be geographically close to be emotionally connected. Thousands of miles may separate us from those we love, but the bond between us can be as strong--maybe stronger--than if we lived 'next door'. The quality of a relationship has little to do with physical or geographical proximity if open and honest communication prevails.
Modern technology helps, of course. Skype (which I really have to start using!), email, facebook are all modern ways allowing us to connect as never before. I remember the weeks which separated one airmail letter from another; how we often longed for a word from a sister, aunt, uncle, grandmother between those pale blue, feather light communiques. I collected the stamps from Sri Lanka, Australia, England, South Africa, the USA.
As a child, those stamps caught my imagination. I dreamt one day I would live and travel to those places; hopefully connecting with my family again. But if not, realising I would better understand my English, Sri Lankan, Australian, South African and American cousins. And I would understand myself as world citizen just a bit better.
I have lived a wonderful life with a wonderful family connected across the globe. I wish them very long lives connected by love.
In Peace. LankaBlue2
I miss family terribly. But I've learnt a wonderful lesson from my parents. They taught me one does not have to be geographically close to be emotionally connected. Thousands of miles may separate us from those we love, but the bond between us can be as strong--maybe stronger--than if we lived 'next door'. The quality of a relationship has little to do with physical or geographical proximity if open and honest communication prevails.
Modern technology helps, of course. Skype (which I really have to start using!), email, facebook are all modern ways allowing us to connect as never before. I remember the weeks which separated one airmail letter from another; how we often longed for a word from a sister, aunt, uncle, grandmother between those pale blue, feather light communiques. I collected the stamps from Sri Lanka, Australia, England, South Africa, the USA.
As a child, those stamps caught my imagination. I dreamt one day I would live and travel to those places; hopefully connecting with my family again. But if not, realising I would better understand my English, Sri Lankan, Australian, South African and American cousins. And I would understand myself as world citizen just a bit better.
I have lived a wonderful life with a wonderful family connected across the globe. I wish them very long lives connected by love.
In Peace. LankaBlue2
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
13 October 2009, 17.31 or 5.31 pm
I am finishing my Group Therapy class. What a revelation it has been! This may have been the best class I've taken in my training to date. I've learnt a lot from all my classes, but "group" according to Yalom, simulates family and is a microcosm of our world.
We had some really interesting experiences. Got to know more about my self and my colleagues. We made headway, lot's of headway. We got to try out theoretical ideas in the 'group lab' and we walked away richer for the experience. The class ends this Thursday and I am rather sad, although there's talk that we will continue, as a non academic group, to meet on our own.
I can't tell you how wonderful my colleagues are! Yes, that's an honest statement. They are eight fantastic women: talented, bright, amazingly compassionate, scrapping to know more to help others. In a world so focused on "me" and making the next big bucks, it's refreshing to really know women who are focused on helping others meet life's challenges. I am privileged to know them, to study with them, to share my joys and pain with them.
It's been a really good semester. I know I will look on this time we've worked together with a grateful heart!
High 5 Leiden Counseling Cohort 1
In Peace. LankaBlue2
We had some really interesting experiences. Got to know more about my self and my colleagues. We made headway, lot's of headway. We got to try out theoretical ideas in the 'group lab' and we walked away richer for the experience. The class ends this Thursday and I am rather sad, although there's talk that we will continue, as a non academic group, to meet on our own.
I can't tell you how wonderful my colleagues are! Yes, that's an honest statement. They are eight fantastic women: talented, bright, amazingly compassionate, scrapping to know more to help others. In a world so focused on "me" and making the next big bucks, it's refreshing to really know women who are focused on helping others meet life's challenges. I am privileged to know them, to study with them, to share my joys and pain with them.
It's been a really good semester. I know I will look on this time we've worked together with a grateful heart!
High 5 Leiden Counseling Cohort 1
In Peace. LankaBlue2
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Good August, umm, September 2 U!
Been that long! Well, the practicum is finished, group counselling techniques have begun, forgot my passwords on everything, so I guess it's been a bit :-D
I hope this finds you, dear reader, well. I had a wonderful ten weeks working under supervision in my new, chosen career: counselling and psychotherapy. I don't know how things will work out for the future. I don't know how things will work out for the next few weeks, but I am reminding myself that life is a joy and it should be lived joyously!
My reminder came in the form of a tragic note I got the other day: A colleague is dying of cancer. It kills me that we can spend so much money on modern medicines and still be so relatively clueless when it comes to cancer. I know a lot of good people--including my university mate Dr Steve Dubinett of UCLA--are working on cures. But considering the money we spend on wars, real and imagined, one would think we could slice off a bit of that budget to help find a cure for this scourge!
But I was speaking of joy . . . I am honouring my friend by thinking of all the joys he brings to life. Even in his dying hours, he teaching so many of us to value the life we have; the life we lead. I started remembering that again this week after getting very "down" about things. I want to publicly thank him for this reminder.
It is well with my soul, really. And I know things are well this his, God love him.
In Peace [which passes all understanding].
LankBlue2
I hope this finds you, dear reader, well. I had a wonderful ten weeks working under supervision in my new, chosen career: counselling and psychotherapy. I don't know how things will work out for the future. I don't know how things will work out for the next few weeks, but I am reminding myself that life is a joy and it should be lived joyously!
My reminder came in the form of a tragic note I got the other day: A colleague is dying of cancer. It kills me that we can spend so much money on modern medicines and still be so relatively clueless when it comes to cancer. I know a lot of good people--including my university mate Dr Steve Dubinett of UCLA--are working on cures. But considering the money we spend on wars, real and imagined, one would think we could slice off a bit of that budget to help find a cure for this scourge!
But I was speaking of joy . . . I am honouring my friend by thinking of all the joys he brings to life. Even in his dying hours, he teaching so many of us to value the life we have; the life we lead. I started remembering that again this week after getting very "down" about things. I want to publicly thank him for this reminder.
It is well with my soul, really. And I know things are well this his, God love him.
In Peace [which passes all understanding].
LankBlue2
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Winding Down the Practicum
I am ending my practicum formally this week. It has been a great experience and it sets me up for my foray into the Internship in January.
There are so many people hurting, longing for understanding, love and so on. We are the instruments of healing: that's how I feel at least. By that I don't mean that it is my responsibility to 'heal' those I try to help: that's their task and their's alone. We can only open ourselves up to the healing that is available. But it does help to have someone who cares along the way.
I think this will be a wonderful job! I am loving it already: all the frustrations, irritations, joys and self critical reflection that this choice of career brings. It is not for everyone, although it seems everyone is doing it these days.
I am happy for the last eight weeks. The truth is I have learnt so much about myself, my issues that need attention, things I had not seen, maybe didn't want to see, until I saw myself--my issue/s--reflected in the lives of others. This is part of the process of becoming a therapist.
It has been my privilege and joy to accompany clients along their journey these last weeks. I think we have done some good work together. Many things are as yet unresolved for several; others feel they have reached a level of coping that had forgotten. I am happy to have helped them along their life journey.
I'll say it again: What a privilege!
In Peace. LankaBlue2
There are so many people hurting, longing for understanding, love and so on. We are the instruments of healing: that's how I feel at least. By that I don't mean that it is my responsibility to 'heal' those I try to help: that's their task and their's alone. We can only open ourselves up to the healing that is available. But it does help to have someone who cares along the way.
I think this will be a wonderful job! I am loving it already: all the frustrations, irritations, joys and self critical reflection that this choice of career brings. It is not for everyone, although it seems everyone is doing it these days.
I am happy for the last eight weeks. The truth is I have learnt so much about myself, my issues that need attention, things I had not seen, maybe didn't want to see, until I saw myself--my issue/s--reflected in the lives of others. This is part of the process of becoming a therapist.
It has been my privilege and joy to accompany clients along their journey these last weeks. I think we have done some good work together. Many things are as yet unresolved for several; others feel they have reached a level of coping that had forgotten. I am happy to have helped them along their life journey.
I'll say it again: What a privilege!
In Peace. LankaBlue2
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Hello June!
Been a bit? Yes! Am busy learning to be a psychotherapist. What fun! Get to help people and get paid for it, too. Life does have its rewards.
How are you out there? I never feel I have time enough to blog these days. But some life changing events have happened. My father died. He lived a good, longer life, but somehow that doesn't matter coz I miss him soooo very much. I have a picture of him in front of me, a profile shot in which he is modeling his latest birthday gift. It was winter so we bought him a plaid flannel shirt. He's not a lumber jack and that's okay! (Gotta know a bit of Monty P for that sentence!)
This past weekend was tough, father's day and all. It does sound trite, but it is true, he is always with me in my memory. Not the same, but wonderful none-the-less. And I guess that will have to do.
I try not to preach or moralise being of the liberalish persuasion and all.
But this I will say:
If you've got parents and you're on the outs, make up! Once they're gone, they're gone. As un-profound as that statement is, it is very true. Ask yourself: Is this vendetta, this misunderstanding, this 'whatever' worth holding on to? I know there are often 'principles' at stake. I don't say we should throw those to the wind. But your dad's your dad--for good or for ill/right or wrong--no one can ever replace him.
Consider it. And go in peace!
LankaBlue²
How are you out there? I never feel I have time enough to blog these days. But some life changing events have happened. My father died. He lived a good, longer life, but somehow that doesn't matter coz I miss him soooo very much. I have a picture of him in front of me, a profile shot in which he is modeling his latest birthday gift. It was winter so we bought him a plaid flannel shirt. He's not a lumber jack and that's okay! (Gotta know a bit of Monty P for that sentence!)
This past weekend was tough, father's day and all. It does sound trite, but it is true, he is always with me in my memory. Not the same, but wonderful none-the-less. And I guess that will have to do.
I try not to preach or moralise being of the liberalish persuasion and all.
But this I will say:
If you've got parents and you're on the outs, make up! Once they're gone, they're gone. As un-profound as that statement is, it is very true. Ask yourself: Is this vendetta, this misunderstanding, this 'whatever' worth holding on to? I know there are often 'principles' at stake. I don't say we should throw those to the wind. But your dad's your dad--for good or for ill/right or wrong--no one can ever replace him.
Consider it. And go in peace!
LankaBlue²
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
So Much Has Happened
I am listening to the papal mass from Bethlehem via streaming on BSkyB. I was in Bethlehem in January/February and have been interested in the state of things there since then. Difficult as it is, I think it wonderful that three religious faiths exist in this small strip of land. Tough as the issues are, the Holy Land is holy to three monotheistic faiths, with rich traditions and differences within their own memberships. But this makes religious belief and life so very rich, so very interesting. If we can maintain religious tolerance and acceptance for the differences, what a richer world this would be.
My father died this past month. It has been hard to realise I will never speak to him again. I picked up the phone the other day to ring him as I used to do. It was automatic and I had to remember that he is no longer amongst us. But thanks be for memories, because in those thoughts, he is alive and well every day. We had some wonderful talks and walks in my adult life. I appreciate those moments now more than ever. My father was a man of great faith. He is one of the few people in the world whom I noticed 'living as he believed' in thought, word and deed. Yes, he was human with faults. But he acknowledged these and tried to live in peace and love. He is a great example to me, to so many.
I won't belabour the point. I am still mourning. But as I work toward the completion of my goal in counselling psychology, these two things--religious tolerance & my father's passing--remind me of the work to be done and the finiteness of time. As my father rests in peace, so I pray for the peace of Jerusalem, Colombo, Kabul, Islamabad and the world.
In peace. LankaBlue2.
My father died this past month. It has been hard to realise I will never speak to him again. I picked up the phone the other day to ring him as I used to do. It was automatic and I had to remember that he is no longer amongst us. But thanks be for memories, because in those thoughts, he is alive and well every day. We had some wonderful talks and walks in my adult life. I appreciate those moments now more than ever. My father was a man of great faith. He is one of the few people in the world whom I noticed 'living as he believed' in thought, word and deed. Yes, he was human with faults. But he acknowledged these and tried to live in peace and love. He is a great example to me, to so many.
I won't belabour the point. I am still mourning. But as I work toward the completion of my goal in counselling psychology, these two things--religious tolerance & my father's passing--remind me of the work to be done and the finiteness of time. As my father rests in peace, so I pray for the peace of Jerusalem, Colombo, Kabul, Islamabad and the world.
In peace. LankaBlue2.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Hello and back again!
Just a short note! Did not realise I have been away soooo long.
Missed you! Lots of things happening. My father is ill. My husband
is travelling and I am studying very hard.
I hope you are enjoying life! We hope to have some Spring weather
soon. Ah, that will be great!
Cheerio!
LankaBlue²
Missed you! Lots of things happening. My father is ill. My husband
is travelling and I am studying very hard.
I hope you are enjoying life! We hope to have some Spring weather
soon. Ah, that will be great!
Cheerio!
LankaBlue²
Thursday, January 22, 2009
CI Taiwan
My niece via marriage is in Taiwan teaching and serving in a CI Institute. I am so very proud of her! She takes her own time, money and initiative to serve others. And she loves Taiwan--it is part of her heart and soul and one feels it in every word she writes.
Students her age--and a bit older--are my students in the Netherlands. I find in them the same drive, motivation and goal to make the world a better place; to transform the world by love. Their persuasion is Christian. Certainly nothing wrong in that! In a world filled with hatred, I find these young people beacons of light.
Her uncle and I wish her and her colleagues well & God's speed!
LankaBlue2
Students her age--and a bit older--are my students in the Netherlands. I find in them the same drive, motivation and goal to make the world a better place; to transform the world by love. Their persuasion is Christian. Certainly nothing wrong in that! In a world filled with hatred, I find these young people beacons of light.
Her uncle and I wish her and her colleagues well & God's speed!
LankaBlue2
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Happy New Year, 2009!
I doubt anyone is reading this anymore and I seem to write less and less. It's a time issue. But as it's 2009, I will try to write more often.
Woo-hoo! Great Ombama-rama on Tuesday, don't you think? What an amazing guy. The Beeb did a broadcast of his life story. It is amazing. It's true his life story is not the life story of the suffering "black male", at least externally. But I don't doubt he suffered because of his history. I'm reading his first book, plan on the second whilst out and about. He writes wonderfully well. What a joy, an American president who can put two sentences together.
It's late and I'm off to sleep. More news & views to follow.
LankaBlue²
Woo-hoo! Great Ombama-rama on Tuesday, don't you think? What an amazing guy. The Beeb did a broadcast of his life story. It is amazing. It's true his life story is not the life story of the suffering "black male", at least externally. But I don't doubt he suffered because of his history. I'm reading his first book, plan on the second whilst out and about. He writes wonderfully well. What a joy, an American president who can put two sentences together.
It's late and I'm off to sleep. More news & views to follow.
LankaBlue²
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